Rachel Monika Herweg and Rea Gordon

The Proof is in the Child

[German]

A participant in our workshop, “My Partner is Not Jewish,” came up with an expanded concept of family that leaps beyond the classical, heterosexual definition: “A family, whether hetero-or homosexual, exists when parents, independent of gender, have children or live with children.” This view expressed both integration of and appreciation for the traditional biological family as well as a break from that tradition. Participants generally agreed that family, whatever its form, is defined by trust, security, communication and above all by a search for compromise.

They agreed that the struggle for compromise is most necessary when it comes to the practice of rituals and the religious training of children. In fact, for many parents the arrival of children raises or intensifies questions about their own Jewish identity, about their practice of Jewish rituals and their joint or separate relations to faith. So it is entirely possible that, even if prospective parents agree to raise a future child as a Jew, after the birth of the child the non-Jewish partner might rethink his or her position on faith. It appears to be especially difficult to reach compromise regarding education. Children are raised either in one faith or in no faith at all. One participant summed up this generational challenge as follows: “The child itself is the evidence.” In other words, the child proves the loyalty of his or her parents to family, to community, to a people and to God.

The importance of this loyalty is not calculated before the birth. Compromises formed through struggle between interfaith partners are many-faceted and usually focused on rituals. They range from rejection of a partner’s unfamiliar rituals to acceptance of these rituals, and even to an improved mutual understanding. Through mutual Bible study, joint visits to the synagogue and perhaps to church, as well as through shared family rituals,  feelings of warmth and safety are created, together with an appreciation for differences and shared beliefs. But pressure to conform is sometimes threatening, and excessive demand creates problems between partners.

The creation of new rituals appears essential to the building of mutual acceptance. And it is important that, during common prayer, texts be chosen that not offend either partner’s religious sensibilities. This task can also lead to reflection about anti-Semitic or racist content in liturgy. The practice of a joint Jewish-Christian ritual was described by one workshop participant as follows: “We did it in such a way that it felt right for both of us. We never asked for a rabbi’s approval.” Such a position requires each partner having the courage to take liberties within tradition, in order to allow a partnership to grow.

Rea Gordon is an educator, philosopher and health management professional. She works as an educational docent and is researching themes of gender and trust.

Dr. Rachel Herweg, a  co-founder of Bet Debora, is a Judaic scholar, educator and family therapist. She is working on a EU research project, "Work Changes Gender".

A call to our readers

Jewish Women’s Groups, Rosh-Chodesh, Shiurim, Prayer and Study Groups, Egalitarian Minyanim

We are accepting contributions from Jewish women’s groups and related activities for a Bet Debora handbook. The topics are new liturgies and rituals. We want to know:

• Who are you?

• How often do you meet?

• What is your aim?

• What do you do?

Your contribution should be set in attractive form and describe one of the rituals you have created or contain a new text of a prayer. Using photographs to illustrate the contribution would be greatly appreciated!

Please direct contributions and questions to: rachelherweg@gmx.net