Guy Hall

Mixed Faith Couples and the Jewish Community

[German]

One of the problems that all religions face nowadays is how to reconcile inherited tradition with the needs of their communities. Most faiths begin with a presumption that they must guard all the knowledge that has been received through divine revelation, cultural development and historical experience. People are expected to conform, or change their behaviour to fit in with these inherited practises, even though tradition itself has never been static, but has evolved.

The struggle in Judaism to reconcile tradition and modernity has resulted in two responses. There is the orthodox approach which aim is to replicate the self-regulating, self-contained, and self-perpetuating communities of the past. It celebrates those Jews who join them, but is largely silent about those who do not. As Fiddler on the Roof showed, even in the shtetl, tradition was of limited value when daughters insisted on choosing their own husbands. The second liberal approach is to reform traditions and of custom, by showing greater flexibility but this too has its limitations.  A possible third approach is to try and turn a sociological reality into a religious opportunity. In its most creative periods, Judaism has sought to sanctify the important elements in people's lives. It has been at its best when it has been at its most realistic. It has achieved this by trying to bring holiness into the new and real situations in which people find themselves. It seeks to understand rather then to condemn.

Now, some forms of behaviour are considered so unacceptable by convention and habit, that it is difficult to even think afresh about them and reconsider whether they are still applicable. Often the attitude upholding a taboo and the sanction that goes with it, becomes divorced from the reason that justified it's creation and adoption in the first place.  Ancient sages and authorities of the past are not always a helpful guide to the present. The insights of recent disciplines, external to Judaism, were unknown to them. Some of the new dilemmas being faced in contemporary society, are beyond those envisaged in rabbinic writings. Not everything inherited from the past is applicable to today. It is permissible to use our intelligence and conscience to shape our morality and ethics. Ritual and tradition only have value when they are used in a context which enhances the spiritual and communal  life of those involved.

Many of the statements put out today by religious leaders, however inspiring, or worthy, have little impact. They reflect the gap between religious ideals and the actuality of people’s existence. This mismatch can lead both sides to react with disaffection and disappointment. Rabbis can not on the one hand complain about people not attending their synagogues, if on the other hand they are not felt to be able to meet the religious needs of their communities. It is hardly surprising that people stop attending synagogues, if they are left feeling (whether rightly, or wrongly) rejected, insulted, or that there is nothing on offer to help them religiously celebrate their choice of life partner.

Most rabbis are very sensitive to the distressing dilemmas faced by mixed faith couples. They are moved, but find that at best, they only offer converstion, or rejection of such couples. For a significant part of the community, rabbinical interpretation of Jewish law alone, is not the criteria by which people express their religious identity. Instead they rely on a combination of memory, symbolism and solidarity. 

Now, the main objection to mixed marriages is because they are seen as a threat to the continuation of the Jewish people. Survival is a particularly important concern for a post-holocaust generation. We live at a time when the State of Israel is in a very strong and secure position.  Significantly, it has also had the wisdom to recognise for the purposes of the Law of Return the consequences of mixed faith unions. It's secular approach is inclusivist and not exclusivist. It accepts as Jewish, people that many communities (including those from Liberal and Reform) would not accept as Jewish.  Fortunately, the total number of Jews in the world is greater then the population of many individual European countries. When a Protestant from Norway marries a Catholic from Ireland, there is a recognition that personal identity is made up of more than one characteristic. Few would say that they should not marry, because it threatens religious, or national continuity. This can also apply to mixed faith couples. Most of the world's religions now recognise this state of affairs and have devised appropriate ceremonies. The main exception is Judaism.

Within the Jewish community, education is often considered to be the antidote against mixed marriages. At best, this can only work for a limited few, although it risks making them fearful of the external world. There is little evidence that education can resist the power of hormones, or genes.

Anxiety about whether parents will have Jewish grandchildren is an unhelpful question. It implies that having children is the definition of a successful marriage. This may have been true in the past, but now it is the quality of the relationship between the partners that matters. Grandparents are often more concerned that any grandchildren are healthy, happy and can grow up in a safe environment. Judaism certainly has a role to play in this, but it is does not have a monopoly. Moreover, the expression of some values within it and the omission of others, is problematic.

Religious constraints that were set up like a fence to protect,  have been given exaggerated importance. They can hardly be considered a success, if they are ignored by many. Some of these constraints are so strong that they effect areas outside of religion. It is rare in the Jewish media, to see details, images, or announcements of mixed faith marriages. It is happening, it is news, but it is not reported. Even within rabbinical organisations, or communal associations, it is a difficult subject for people to discuss honestly. Nor, in my experience, is it seriously considered as a part of the training of rabbis.  With rates of intermarriage reaching 40% in the UK, one might wonder how many mixed faith couples do there need to be, before such attitudes change? How long can theology resist demography?

Many couples want religious ceremonies at which there is a familiar Jewish presence. One at which a rabbi officiates, but which contains elements that both families recognise as part of their background. This can be for a wedding, a commitment ceremony, a baby blessing, a funeral or cremation. If interfaith dialogue is to be taken seriously, then the consequences must be greater then occasional encounters, educational courses and academic papers. It must affect our prayer book and communal life and a willingness to co-officiate with others. It means a willingness to appreciate the beliefs, values and concerns of other faiths, or those who have none, and not just our own. It means recognizing and taking seriously the diversity of sexual expression. There are many voices within contemporary Judaism. Among them there is a need and a place for a rabbi in Europe, who is prepared to celebrate mixed faith unions, and other life-cycle ceremonies, openly and in public.  Such events are at present outside of Jewish law, but that does not mean they do not have value, significance, or importance. The majority of Jews no longer live in a ghetto. If Jews choose to live in free, enlightened, pluralistic societies, then mixed faith unions will be one of the natural and normal consequences. You can not have one without the other.

Rabbi Hall is a graduate of the Leo Baeck College. He now works as an independent rabbi throughout Europe. He has officiated at many mixed faith ceremonies (Agnostics, Buddhists, Christians, Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs, all of different movements within those traditions and with various degrees of affiliation) over the last ten years; from Oslo in the north, to as far south as Malaga, Rome, and Crete; as far east as Krakov and as far west as Dingle in Ireland and quite a few places inbetween (Cologne, Munich, Berlin.) He is a rabbi who likes to say "yes," particularly if it helps people with problems from rabbis who are only prepared to say "no."